Chip Pan Fire

I started a chip pan fire
Not on purpose
I wanted chips
But I did it wrong
The threatening flames
Mocked my attempt

I placed an advert
In the Leicester Mercury
"For sale: Chip Pan Fire
Would ideally suit Fire Brigade"

Nobody answered.

I ran away.
My legs followed me.
I ran
And ran
And ran
With burning lead in my heart
And legs falling towards the concrete
I eventually reached the West coast of Britain
And set sail for America
Using my cagoul as a boat
And ears as oars.

I reached the New England shore
Where many surfers, bathers, wanna-be nudists and life-guards
Were laid out like debris.
I thanked them for their concern
Tucked my moist legs into my abdomen
And rolled my sphere
Across the landscape.

I raced, I sped, I plummetted down hill
And across astronomical flats
Through metric towns I burst
Flattening meat in my path
Through car showroom
And garage forecourt
Until I reached the sea
Until I met the Sunshine State.

Then
Across the Pacific
Across the Russian tundra
Racing orb
Into Northern Europe
And back across the North Sea

When I arrived back at my luxury flat
The fire had died down
Someone had stolen the chip pan fire
And left a five pound note.
The bloody cheek.