Horse

Horse
Not interested
In Rembrandt's oils
Staggers past the masterpiece
Grinning at worms
And pulling its lips over its eyes.

Dark peak
Candles light up
Little regions of memory
In the distant black cavity
Of wilderness

Horse on the prow of the hill
Rembrandt under one arm
Covered in smiles and winks
Nice one Cyril.

Famous Reincarnations - II

Marvin Gaye
How sweet it is
To be reincarnated as
A grapevine
Doing a handstand to impress a wasp
Or opening a stomata on a hot day
Sidcup

Famous Reincarnations I

Witness the portly form of Benny Hill
Return he did as the humboldt squid
Glassy eye that shines from deep
Ogles posh crumpet in swimsuits

Tentacles grope up from inpenetrable depths
A screaming breast and labial shriek
And suddenly
The horde in mania released
To find that beak.

Humboldt squid pursued by throng
Throng in thong
And bronze armour
Lifeguard waving fist in water
Why I ought ta...

Cue Benny Hill theme.

I am a Crow

I am a crow
I can go anywhere
I am a crow
I can go to IKEA!
I can rummage through the displays
I can have a 50p hotdog

But I can also poke out the eye of the man on the till
And fly away
Before the police arrive.

Back at my nest
Digesting my prize
A knock on the nest door arrives
The police flood in
A blur of helmets and truncheons
And put the cuffs on my wings.
They force me to regurgitate
The eye that sat safely
Inside of me

They put me in a cold jail
I shared a cell with Bono
Who had been arrested for tax evasion.
I looked up at Bono
His unnecessary face
Holding many appetising features
And because crows don't have willpower
I pecked out his eye.

And for that
The police
They let me go.

The lesson for crows here is
Keep pecking people's eyes out
And the rewards will come.

Cerumbrella

I fingered a fat girl
In Maryland Chicken
Her fat, greasy nose
Was ripe for the pickin'
I stuck up my arm
Right into her brain
I pulled up inside
As it started to rain

I stayed there for three weeks

Bugger.

Shed Man

Shed.

The whimsical whomsical garden orifice
The place
Where I
Stick my oroface.
When I'm not welcome
In my other shed.


Tools.


Include a pile of soil-stained magazines
A picture of a dog
With Bernard Breslaw's head
Before the rise to fame
Of Photoshop instead.
And all the space and time
That cannot be measured
By men with matted minds aloof.

I will burn in my shed.
I will burn with my "lad" in my hand
And a pair of guilty shorts
Like a rope around my knees
Whilst the moon watches
Through a crack
Like the dirty little moon it is.

Filthy
Moon.

Threesome
Moon.

Just you and me son,
Moon.

And the "lad" in my hand, son.

A cosmic tryst.
Fuck me I'm pissed.

Wife O'Clock

Forlornicata
A strong gust
Of garbage tongue
Sweeps the cold sense
From extra-triangular nuffink...

No
I wasn't saying anything.

Pull that custard
Over the tips of my outstretched eyes

Don't let the good juices
Seep

Glong!
Sorry I
Must go!

But in leaving I
Trap my ileum
Ileum in the door
In the door and
And watch in
And
And
All the insides are out.
All out.

I'll probably just leave my skin here then?

OK, bye.

Bob Harris Chinscape Blues

Moon landings changed me
My face now a sight for sore minds
As they point their microscopes
Under my yawning gumtray.

Oh, how I wish they had not faked
The landings there upon my chin
Upon its stage.
I sometimes put some bacon in
Saliva leaks
Upon that sacred skin
The guilt steams up
From holes behind my eyes.

I wish sometimes I were the moon
I could escape to my own room
The crushing cold the moon hangs in
I wish that I were in the bin.
Alas

The bin is full of fish.
Oh well.

Bob Harris' Beard

Sold!
Auction grinds to inertia
And cold sadness dripped
From the newly unveiled
Chinscape
Like dogs trapped in an avalanche
As they towed Bob's old beard away.

Bought by billionaire Boris
From St Petersburg Oil Refinery
To be installed
In his wife's armpit
No expenses spared.

Winnie the Who

Ukelele
Torn by bear
Broken wood asunder
Strings strangle
Ends dangle
Drumkit and bass mangled
Lets go for a shit in the woods
Before The Old Grey Whistle Test
Farts out a classic
Through unusual gaps
In Bob Harris' beard.

Relax-o-Soil

I bought a new bag
Of relax-o-soil
I went into the woods
I poured half the bag
Into an open grave

I got in

My wife
Helpfully
Poured over the other half
Until I was part of the ground

I didn't like it

I couldn't get comfortable
I tossed
Turned
The soil moving around me
Unsure of the expectations placed upon it.

And then
A cold hand grabbed me
I screamed
It pulled
I screamed harder
It pulled harder
Panic
Soil filled my nostrils
The hand won the battle
It was my wife's hand
Pulling me from the earth.

I knew that.

Chip Pan Fire

I started a chip pan fire
Not on purpose
I wanted chips
But I did it wrong
The threatening flames
Mocked my attempt

I placed an advert
In the Leicester Mercury
"For sale: Chip Pan Fire
Would ideally suit Fire Brigade"

Nobody answered.

I ran away.
My legs followed me.
I ran
And ran
And ran
With burning lead in my heart
And legs falling towards the concrete
I eventually reached the West coast of Britain
And set sail for America
Using my cagoul as a boat
And ears as oars.

I reached the New England shore
Where many surfers, bathers, wanna-be nudists and life-guards
Were laid out like debris.
I thanked them for their concern
Tucked my moist legs into my abdomen
And rolled my sphere
Across the landscape.

I raced, I sped, I plummetted down hill
And across astronomical flats
Through metric towns I burst
Flattening meat in my path
Through car showroom
And garage forecourt
Until I reached the sea
Until I met the Sunshine State.

Then
Across the Pacific
Across the Russian tundra
Racing orb
Into Northern Europe
And back across the North Sea

When I arrived back at my luxury flat
The fire had died down
Someone had stolen the chip pan fire
And left a five pound note.
The bloody cheek.

Worraloada Thompson

The hand!

The cheese!

The cheese! The hand! The cheese! The hand!

The HAND!!! (The cheese)

And thoughts of a childhood

Separation of glowing orbs, aged three.

Your orbit perturbed at a vital juncture.

Dark satanic cloth descended

Covered eyes,

Only mouth can see.

Feeling your way through the streets with only your lips.

The tongue extended to feel the kerbs and flesh of strangers.

The face disfigured by sporting misadventure, Self-image now cottage cheese.

Let's make food! Let's make food!

Ride the tsunami of amazement.

And now your restaurants are all closed.

The cloth descends.

The mouth! The mouth! The mouth!

Let's steal food. Let's STEAL food.

The hand! It grips the cheese! Holds aloft! The war is won! The CHEESE!

And yet...  ....the hammer crashes down.

The eyes could not see it coming.